Sometimes it feels like I go far from myself. Or that a part of me fades away. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I'm not sure the right words exist.
It leaves the remaining part of me feeling as if it's wading through mud. Or that it would be, if it had the energy to wade. And my diminished mind spins in circles trying to work out what to do, where to start, how to finish, what to do, and I circle in smaller and smaller circles until I stop.
I think it's episodes like that that led to a diagnosis of anxiety and depression years ago. Except I don't think that that is quite what is going on. It's more a decision paralysis, or using up what energy I have to be externally like other people.
This morning I used up myself throwing out mugs.
I know, that sounds ridiculous. But I struggle massively to dispose of things. Given that the house doesn't grow, and the people within it do, that leads fairly rapidly and obviously to problems.
This weekend, I read a rather wonderful book, A 100 pieces of me, which I will review shortly over on my other blog. During the book, the narrator downsizes her life, and one of the things she does, is get rid of mugs. We have lots of mugs, acquired over our joint lifetimes, more than we ever use. And so I decided to get rid of some. I got them all out, and sorted them into precious to keep, every day to keep, and disposable. 12 went into the leaving pile, which meant I could reorganise the mug cupboard, get everything back in, as well as the Kentwell pottery off the side where it's been living, *and* I could get the assorted tea and coffee pots into a second cupboard, *and* have spaces on a shelf in a third.
All excellent. Except that was it, me worn out for the day. I did some emails, tweeted half heartedly, and completely failed to keep up with a discussion on the changes in the facebook page algorithms.
I rather wish I did have the energy to spin in circles physically, it would be a lot less emotionally wearing than doing it internally. Sometimes I feel like I might just vanish under the decision trees in my mind.
I'm not sure I've explained any of that. It will have to do.